Chinese Parents

[donjuan]

Ok, Since this is a piano forum, and many Chinese people do play piano, I thought maybe I could ask a question like this:

Do any of you have parents like this?:
-----------------------------------
You come home from a hard day at school and sit down on the couch.  One of your parents comes in and says, 'what are you doing? why arent you studying?'

You say, 'the next test isnt for 4 weeks!'

Parent says, 'so? you only received a 98% on the last one, so you must study harder, LONGER!! '

Then, they point their finger at you and say in a soft, encouraging voice, 'Look, if you get 100%, I will give you 50$..but if you dont,...'

loud firm voice now,
'YOU WILL OWE ME 60$!!!! NOW GET STUDYING!! OR NO FOOD!'
---------------------------------
Am I alone here?
donjuan

[faulty_damper]

Are your parents poor right now?  No.  Were they poor?  Probably.  Are you alone?  No.  Are my parents like yours?  No.  Have they ever been like yours?  No.

Similar, though.  They beat us.  A lot.  A lot of emotional damage from that.  I hate my parents.  Especially my dad.  They beated my sisters if they didn't practice.  They didn't beat me because I wasn't forced to take piano lessons when I was 10 years old.

[Spatula]

Ok, Since this is a piano forum, and many Chinese people do play piano, I thought maybe I could ask a question like this:

Do any of you have parents like this?:
-----------------------------------
You come home from a hard day at school and sit down on the couch.  One of your parents comes in and says, 'what are you doing? why arent you studying?'

You say, 'the next test isnt for 4 weeks!'

Parent says, 'so? you only received a 98% on the last one, so you must study harder, LONGER!! '

Then, they point their finger at you and say in a soft, encouraging voice, 'Look, if you get 100%, I will give you 50$..but if you dont,...'

loud firm voice now,
'YOU WILL OWE ME 60$!!!! NOW GET STUDYING!! OR NO FOOD!'
---------------------------------
Am I alone here?
donjuan

Okay Don Juan, I have to say your comments are slightly (actually largely) skewed and bias in someways.  Yeah generally asian parents are like "strict" but they don't throw "tamper tantrums" at their kids 24/7.  
To "most" asian families, a kid bringing home a 98% average at school is pretty damn good already, so I haven't come across any of my asian friends (97% of my friends are chinese, go figure) whose parents are that "stupidly crazy" for perfection.
I'm pretty blessed because even though my parents are asian, they are very western based in their philosophy, and they just encourage me to make my time productive and well spent, and stay away from drugs etc, but they aren't anywhere extreme.

Thank GOD!  

as a matter of fact, sometimes they want me to study less, because i forget to take a break sometimes, so they do actually help me!  And even tell me to not get to uptight about piano, but practice what i can each day.

[donjuan]

ok, I may have exaggerated a little with the "no food" thing..lol...but I know many friends who tell me about their overly strict parents from China who dont allow them to drink from water fountains, or go outside in any weather without a coat.  
Spatula, your parents sound really nice and just.  
donjuan

[Spatula]

Spatula, your parents sound really nice and just.  
donjuan

Yes Indeed!   well as long as I don't talk back to them.  Im like 19 now and so they don't really chase me with the cane or whip anymore, just no more energy in them, but still I see their kindness and respect them (most of the time).  Yeah, they're happy Im hooked on piano, not on drugs.  

[squinchy]

My mom used to get slightly mad at me [no change in facial coloring, voice contained, no large gestures] in fourth and fifth grade for getting 95's on math tests, and for good reason. Math was easy--really easy--bored out of your mind easy, as were the quizzes. I think I could have handled them when I was 4, as did many other people in my class. Each test was 20 questions about the chapter, each question worth five points. I was consistently careless and kept getting about one question wrong for a stupid reason-like accidentally bubbling in the wrong bubble or something. The "mad" was the "disappointed" type.

The last time my parents were mad at me was at my 89 on my geometry midterm, but it was the "we're very disappointed and you should do better on the final exam" type of mad. They've never offered any cash incentives, though..
I think my parents philosophy of parenting makes a lot of sense-Their philosophy is that they don't WANT to have to chase me down with a whip, it'd be a waste of their time and energy. They try to encourage me to act so they don't have to.

Concerning coats and water fountains:

My parents used to be very strict about the coat issue because they were afraid of me getting sick, back when I got sick a lot. Now that I'm generally stronger and healthier, they're more relaxed about it.  

As for water fountains, my mom doesn't like them. She says that I can drink out of them at my own risk, but I never do because I take water with me. My dad drinks out of them without a care-his philosophy is that if you believe the fountain/water is clean, then it is clean. I think he's right-you really can 'worry yourself sick.'

[donjuan]

Interesting background, Squinchy.  I remember a time this past year, when on a physics test, I received 110%, due to questions taken off the exam due to the dumb kids whining.  I brought the test home and showed my dad.  now, he expects me to get over 100% on every test.  Words of advice: dont tell your parents how well you are doing, or else they will expect the very best from you.

Glad to see I was right about some stuff...coats and fountains..hehe...my sister's friend from China boils water before drinking it.  She is afraid of impurities- I figured it must be a chinese thing.
donjuan  

[squinchy]

Interesting background, Squinchy.  I remember a time this past year, when on a physics test, I received 110%, due to questions taken off the exam due to the dumb kids whining.  I brought the test home and showed my dad.  now, he expects me to get over 100% on every test.  Words of advice: dont tell your parents how well you are doing, or else they will expect the very best from you.

Glad to see I was right about some stuff...coats and fountains..hehe...my sister's friend from China boils water before drinking it.  She is afraid of impurities- I figured it must be a chinese thing.
donjuan  

Haha-That's what happened to a geometry quiz! It was worth 60 points in the beginning, and I got 60 out of 60. Actually, the teacher made a mistake in correcting and missed one of my wrong answers, but no one needs to know that. Anyways, it turned out that the rest of the class completely failed it (lowest score was 9 of 60, I believe), so he made the quiz worth only 50 points. Ergo, a 120% graced my records.

I think all Chinese parents expect the very best from their kids. It's just a matter of how strong the expectation is and how much confidence the parents have that their kids will meet their expectations.

Boiled water is icky. My grandparents are staying for the summer and they prefer hotly boiled water..To me, cold water has a sweeter taste while boiled has a salty, bitter taste.

[f0bul0us]

When you compare the level of parental rage Korean's are much worse then Chinese. Chinese are not as  strict as, say Vietnamese. But even the level of parental rage within the Vietnamese doesn't hold a candle to that of the Koreans.

The source of a parents rage (in all races) comes from what they hear other parents talking about, they then think to themselves, "Why isn't my child like that". Oblivious to how impossible it is to be the next Yundi-Li or Lang Lang, they push and push to see if they can pull it off and brag to their friends and family that their child is a worldwide distinguished pianist. So essentially, it's all about having bragging rights.

[faulty_damper]

These parents know little to nothing they want their kids to be.  They want them to be doctors or lawyers only because these two professions make a lot of money.  They want their kids to be violinists or pianists because they will be famous and bring their family a lot of fame.

Don't you think this thread is from a Western perspective?  No one hear would seem to want to say that what these parents want are bluntly straightforward.  In Asian culture, bragging is socially accepted.  But in Western culture, we call that arrogance and arrogance is not accepted.  Even though Westerners think it, they do not openly say it and perhaps it is in that saying that pushes their kids to do things, to be pianists or violinists or doctors and lawyers.

[Spatula]

When you compare the level of parental rage Korean's are much worse then Chinese. Chinese are not as  strict as, say Vietnamese. But even the level of parental rage within the Vietnamese doesn't hold a candle to that of the Koreans.

The source of a parents rage (in all races) comes from what they hear other parents talking about, they then think to themselves, "Why isn't my child like that". Oblivious to how impossible it is to be the next Yundi-Li or Lang Lang, they push and push to see if they can pull it off and brag to their friends and family that their child is a worldwide distinguished pianist. So essentially, it's all about having bragging rights.

Yes, I agree that well yeah Chinese parents are strict but won't hang their kids.  I have a feeling now that actually most asian parents living in the western society have somewhat relized that their pushing will sometimes only worsen their kid, but not by much.  

And as well, I find ESPECIALLY the korean families very Draconian about academic issues, to the the TOP star, even sometimes belitting the fiece nature of the Japanese parents.  Most of the Japanese families have seemed to back off, and relized that there is more to life than just marks, and especially after their kids committed suicide (go figure).

And as well, yeah in some ways I'm kinda offended by the Eastern culture where when they brag, they feel good, I think that's so shameful.  There is no respect to other people but when you wanna go to the top, you can't just drop other people down while at it.  At every piano competition, ALL the contestants should gather around after the awards and shake hands, have a friendly chat and encourage each other.  The ones that didn't win should feel encouraged to talk the the winners on how they managed to win with their piece and always carry a positive attitude.  

I know this sounds very....lame in some ways, but many have forgotten these very basic things.  

[pianochic]

For my parents...
  They work their entire lives for me to do well... And they expect me to do well because they didn't have the opportunity to be successful in Korea.
As for me, My mom says... It's your fault if you don't succeed in the U.S. because you have so much opportunity to be successful here. Although, my parents aren't really strict on me...

  But in an Asian perspective of strict Asian parents...
It's like if an Asian child fails.. It reflects on their parents, and sort of brings shame to the parents.

But in an American perspective... A child's failure doesn't necessarily reflect the parents.

[Spatula]

For my parents...
  They work their entire lives for me to do well... And they expect me to do well because they didn't have the opportunity to be successful in Korea.
As for me, My mom says... It's your fault if you don't succeed in the U.S. because you have so much opportunity to be successful here. Although, my parents aren't really strict on me...

  But in an Asian perspective of strict Asian parents...
It's like if an Asian child fails.. It reflects on their parents, and sort of brings shame to the parents.

But in an American perspective... A child's failure doesn't necessarily reflect the parents.

I somewhat agree with the US/N american perspective since (assuming) the parents have done everything they can to be supportive, and if the child doesn't give a damn about his/her life and what to do with it, its the kids fault.  ( a bit extreme but you get the point)

[faulty_damper]

Damn "very Chinese" parents!

[f0bul0us]

How many people in this thread are actually Chinese? Korean? Vietnamese? Japanese? Filipino (the feak-asians )

[donjuan]

half Chinese, half German.  The pressure parent I was refering to in the original thread question is the Chinese parent.

[f0bul0us]

half Chinese, half German.  The pressure parent I was refering to in the original thread question is the Chinese parent.

$20 says the German brings home more bacon. Anyone willing to put a lil' wager on that before donjuan posts again?  

[Axtremus]

...but I know many friends who tell me about their overly strict parents from China who dont allow them to drink from water fountains, ...

In most third world countries, tap water is not save for drinking -- you are expected to boil the water before you drink. I doubt this is specific to Chinese parents.

[donjuan]

$20 says the German brings home more bacon. Anyone willing to put a lil' wager on that before donjuan posts again?  

[classicarts]

Well, I don't see anything wrong with that.  In fact, I suggest some Chinese parents to get a whip and start whipping the hell out of you..  

[khantallis123]

Why so much prejudice against the Chinese? Haven't they suffered enough? HAVE ANY OF YOU EVEN HEARD OF THE ROCK SPRINGS MASSACRE? AT LEAST 23 Chinese workers by Whites were killed, some with only the heads remaining. Bullets and fire destroyed the bodies. No white was arrested. Something less serious happened, but similar earlier. A group of white men murdered a Chinese man, and Chinese Americans testified against it.However, the judge said that the Chinese could not testify against whites. Before and more serious than one of the most famous African American slave cases!

[thalbergmad]

If you try hard, you might find some even older threads.

Thal

[Bob]

It's almost ten years old.  A couple more months....

[pianoplunker]

Ok, Since this is a piano forum, and many Chinese people do play piano, I thought maybe I could ask a question like this:

Do any of you have parents like this?:
-----------------------------------
You come home from a hard day at school and sit down on the couch.  One of your parents comes in and says, 'what are you doing? why arent you studying?'

You say, 'the next test isnt for 4 weeks!'

Parent says, 'so? you only received a 98% on the last one, so you must study harder, LONGER!! '

Then, they point their finger at you and say in a soft, encouraging voice, 'Look, if you get 100%, I will give you 50$..but if you dont,...'

loud firm voice now,
'YOU WILL OWE ME 60$!!!! NOW GET STUDYING!! OR NO FOOD!'
---------------------------------
Am I alone here?
donjuan

Hey, great things never get accomplished at 98%. And life is much better when you get your work done FIRST. And they offer $50.00 bucks to do homework? What is not to like ?  I would only pay my kids to do some work like chop a chord of firewood or dig a trench. Then while they are doing that I quietly mention this is what awaits you for the rest of your life if you dont get educated. From what you describe, chinese parents are on the right track.   

[faulty_damper]

DonJuan hasn't post on PF for years.  Spatula is no longer around.  This is a holy necroposted thread which is obviously not relevant.  Wondering what they're up to now?

[outin]

And life is much better when you get your work done FIRST.

Why on earth would it be? Life is good when you can avoid as much work as possible

Seriously, people do not tend to work hard, accomplish something and then relax and be happy. Instead they will keep on working themselves to death even when it's no longer necessary 

[pianoplunker]

DonJuan hasn't post on PF for years.  Spatula is no longer around.  This is a holy necroposted thread which is obviously not relevant.  Wondering what they're up to now?

Oh My, I almost feel like I just wasted time on Pianostreet !!!

[pianoplunker]

Why on earth would it be? Life is good when you can avoid as much work as possible

Seriously, people do not tend to work hard, accomplish something and then relax and be happy. Instead they will keep on working themselves to death even when it's no longer necessary 

You might be right. I have known plenty who died very shortly after retirement. May be work keeps us going. Either way , you gotta pay taxes

[faulty_damper]

Work does, indeed, keep us alive.  Idleness and boredom is what kills you.

[j_menz]

Work does, indeed, keep us alive.  Idleness and boredom is what kills you.

Why do you equate idleness with boredom? I'm often idle, but never bored.

[thalbergmad]

I'm often idle, but never bored.

Me too. Last weekend I spent 3 hours spread out on the sofa listening to Bax Symphonies.

Idle, but hardly bored.

Thal

[theholygideons]

Work does, indeed, keep us alive.  Idleness and boredom is what kills you.

I believe it's brain idleness, not the physical. You have to actively pay attention to the music in order enjoy it, because if you don't, the jolt of the climax is bound to wake you up from your daydream.

[pianoplunker]

I believe it's brain idleness, not the physical. You have to actively pay attention to the music in order enjoy it, because if you don't, the jolt of the climax is bound to wake you up from your daydream.

But what if the daydream causes the climax ? 

[xxhottie88xx]

Don't even start! My mom yelled at me because I'm financially irresponsible and I'm hiding in university so she dragged me out of school. Doesn't pay for tuition, doesn't pay for rent, all she wants is for me to work and make money, like 20$ per hour job. To be honest they don't care if I'm happy or not. Oh, and they would only like a Chinese bf. maybe I'm an exception but I couldn't stand it anymore I just left home.

[senanserat]

Are your parents poor right now?  No.  Were they poor?  Probably.  Are you alone?  No.  Are my parents like yours?  No.  Have they ever been like yours?  No.

 Similar, though.  They beat us.  A lot.  A lot of emotional damage from that.  I hate my parents.  Especially my dad.  They beated my sisters if they didn't practice.  They didn't beat me because I wasn't forced to take piano lessons when I was 10 years old.

We're most displeased with the behavior of your guardians, perhaps not today nor tomorrow but one day they will feel the wrath of our ire. Rejoice for you have survived and if your past behavior is anything to go by you turned out adequate enough.

It may be almost a decade ago but the fire of your tale still rages within us.